In their work on the “Four Horsemen Of The Apocalpyse,” couples therapists John and Julie Gottman identify four behaviors that can ruin marriages: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. According to the Gottmans, contempt is the most dangerous of these behaviors and is a strong predictor of divorce. Oxford dictionary defines contempt as “the feeling that a person or a thing is beneath consideration, worthless, or deserving scorn,” involving emotions like disgust, shaming, rage, dehumanization, and hatred.
Reflecting on her own experiences, the author recalls instances of being treated with contempt, often leaving her feeling dehumanized. She shares stories of her childhood with a perfectionistic mother, a traumatic medical school experience, an abusive relationship, and aggressive online backlash as a public figure, all marked by varying degrees of contempt.
The author also explores how contempt is used to control children, recounting the harrowing experiences of her partner growing up in an extremist religious community where contempt, shaming, and corporal punishment were used to “break the will” of children. She mentions the horrifying practice of blanket training, where infants are punished for reaching outside a designated area.
Acknowledging the long-term impact of contempt, the author delves into the psychological consequences, discussing the development of complex PTSD as a result of exposure to contemptuous behavior in childhood. The harmful effects of contempt extend beyond individual relationships, with the author describing the pervasive presence of contempt within hospital settings, negatively impacting interactions between medical professionals.
As the narrative unfolds, the author challenges the abusive nature of contempt, both in personal and institutional settings, highlighting its power to dehumanize and traumatize individuals. By sharing her experiences, she underscores the importance of recognizing and addressing contemptuous behavior to protect vulnerable individuals from its damaging effects.
