Joan counsels a reader who has met the perfect partner…except for one thing.
A reader asks:
Dear Joan: At 70, I’ve been seeing a man my age for about three months. We meet several times a week and talk almost daily. We have much in common: mutual friends, shared fun, interests and activities we both enjoy. It’s so exciting getting to know him! We’ve slowly been exploring sexually on my timeline, at first just hand holding, hugging, and kissing, and lately enjoying intercourse. It’s wonderful feeling alive and desired again.
Last night he sat me down and told me that because he’s a Christian, he doesn’t feel right having sex with me anymore, because it’s outside of marriage.
I felt like he pulled the rug out from under me. He explained that a sermon at his church a long time ago about sexuality and God’s teachings led to him making a promise to God. He feels guilty about what we’ve been doing together and needs to stop. I was shocked and hurt. I thought we’d finally found a mutual ground of comfort and understanding. And a third marriage isn’t my intention!
I want him to understand that at 70, time is not on our side!
He wants me to watch sermons to understand and come around to his religious beliefs. We grew up in the same religion, but my church was less restrictive, and I don’t hold those views. I want him to understand that at 70, time is not on our side!
As I see it, if we can give each other pleasure and affection at our age, why hold back? Wouldn’t this be the time to enjoy life and all its pleasures with someone you care about? Is there any way to meet in the middle?
He was divorced a few years ago after a very long marriage. I had two long marriages that ended in divorce — one was a cheater, the other a narcissist who threatened my life if I left him. I lost my last lover who died. Hence, no third marriage for me. I put my heart and soul into these three men only to go through the same cycle of love, hurt, damage, grief, self-doubt, recovery, and finally thrive and survive. I just want to enjoy and share life to the fullest with a wonderful man.
My head and heart are at odds. In our short time together, I’ve come to adore this man and was hopeful to find love. I am trying to respect what he is asking me to do, even though I’m not sure what that is. I believe he is looking for a long-term relationship and is willing to put in the effort to see where it goes. But how do I go forward having a relationship with this wonderful man knowing the cuddling, spooning and intimacy are taboo unless we marry, which I do not want to do? My head is spinning and my heart is aching.
– Head vs. Heart
Joan replies:
I understand why you feel your heart and your head are at war. You – on the basis of three important relationships, your own self-knowledge, and decades of lived experience – have cultivated your own set of goals and values. You’re sure you do not want another marriage. You’re also sure that at age 70, there’s precious little time left, and you want that to include intimacy and sexual pleasure.
Yet the man who captured your heart has religious convictions that prohibit the kind of relationship that you want! You’ve only been dating for three months. You’re still in the throes of “new relationship energy” (NRE), that giddy, lustful, falling-in-love stage that changes over time. Yet even with this NRE that you’re both feeling, he is already pulling back from the sex you’ve shared, seeing it as against a religious commitment he made long before he knew you.
Sadly, I don’t think this relationship can work. Sexual compatibility is very important to the success of a relationship, and that includes compatibility of sexual values. As deep as your growing feelings for each other are, you have roadblocks that I don’t see you overcoming without one of you giving up something extremely important. Some things you could try:
Try these:
- Seek ways to work out your differences with the help of a couple’s counselor (an impartial one, not connected to his church). I don’t know if there’s a middle ground that would satisfy both of you.
- Relegate this relationship to the friend zone: a friend without benefits, so to speak. You enjoy each other’s company and the same activities, so that’s a way to stay in each other’s lives. This also leaves you free to find a lover on your own terms, independent of him.
Above all, choose your head over your heart. You’ve only been dating this man for three months, and you’ve had decades to become the authentic person you are. Your heart will heal, and you’ll be able to find someone who is more compatible with your needs, goals, and values. You’ve learned that you can get close to and turned on by a new person. You can take that with you on your path.
YOUR TURN
Readers, have you had experiences like this? What advice would you give Head vs. Heart?
Do you have a question for Joan?
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Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
