For couples living together, determining how to divide household responsibilities can be a challenge. Sometimes, one partner may take on additional tasks when the other is unwell or busy with work. However, if you find yourself constantly handling chores because your partner insists that you are better at them, it could be a sign of weaponized incompetence.
Therapist Benu Lahiry, LMFT, explains that weaponized incompetence in relationships involves intentionally using incompetence to manipulate or control a partner. This behavior can manifest as procrastination, pretending not to know how to do simple tasks, or passing off responsibilities.
Weaponized incompetence is not limited to romantic relationships. It can also occur in friendships, families, and workplaces. This behavior can undermine trust and lead to an unfair distribution of labor. Research shows that traditional gender roles and societal expectations can exacerbate this issue, particularly affecting women.
Partners may use weaponized incompetence to seek control, evade responsibilities, or gain attention. While some may do this knowingly, for many, it is unconscious behavior. Gaslighting, a form of manipulation, can also accompany weaponized incompetence.
Differentiating between genuine inability and weaponized incompetence can be challenging. Look for patterns of behavior and whether the incompetence conveniently serves the individual’s goals. Addressing weaponized incompetence involves open communication, setting clear expectations, allowing space for failure, and considering couples therapy for deeper issues. By addressing this behavior, couples can work towards a more equitable and healthy relationship.
