How can a recently bereaved widower navigate looking for connection and intimacy…and is it too soon? I am a 73-year-old widower at a life crossroads. My wonderful wife died two months ago, and I miss her deeply. We were married for 31 years. She had several maladies during her last three years, and I cared for her in our home. As her health worsened, our once exciting sexual connection disappeared. I cuddled with her when she could endure touching, and I self-pleasured privately. I missed our sex life terribly. With her gone, I miss it even more. It feels like forever since I’ve had sex with a woman. Some friends are guilt-tripping me, saying it’s too soon to date while I’m grieving my wife.
More than Just Sex It isn’t just sex that I want. My wife was scholarly and smart, and I loved our intellectual conversations. I hope to meet age-appropriate, intellectual women living close enough to date. Some friends are guilt-tripping me, saying it’s too soon to date while I’m grieving my wife. I don’t feel guilty. Should I? Younger family members showed me how to use online dating, and I’ve joined two dating sites. When I read people’s profiles, I worry how to write my own that will be honest and not off-putting. While I don’t want to come across as a needy old man hungering for sex, I am a needy old man hungering for sex! I’m “needy” in wanting to share affection and social fun within a happy sexual relationship. I’m not interested in a new spouse. I hope to find compatible women around my own age who are not looking for a husband. I want connections to smart women who are willing to share closeness, touch, laughter, and non-committed companionship. I know it’s important to be honest about who I am and what I seek, but how do I present myself in a profile? If I say that I’m looking for a relationship that includes sex, will that scare away the kind of women I seek? I’m lonely and don’t know if I should feel guilty for doing this so soon, but I very much want to move forward and begin to live again.
Joan responds: I am sorry for your great loss. I understand your conflict — you want a sexual and intellectually fulfilling relationship, but how do you present this in an online dating profile without alienating the kind of person you want to attract? I bet you’d get many appropriate responses if you started your profile by slightly reframing what you said above: “Lonely widower, 73, seeks intellectual woman, 65-75, to share closeness, touch, laughter, and non-committed companionship.” When I was a lonely widow poring over online dating profiles, I would have jumped at yours! You remind me of myself, in fact, when I was grieving my deceased husband mightily, but hungry for connection and touch. Like you, I didn’t want a new committed relationship, but I also wanted to meet only men whom I could enjoy intellectually and conversationally as well as sexually.
Conveying all your needs: How do you convey your desire for sex in a way that won’t scare away the kind of women you want? You’re right that this is a big issue. If you’re direct about wanting sex, you risk sounding predatory and creepy. But if you don’t mention it, you risk wasting time and emotional energy getting to know women who want companionship without sex. (It’s legitimate to want that, but that’s not what you’re looking for.) It’s all in the language: instead of stating “sex” directly, use words like “intimacy,” “sensual,” “touch.” And here’s the most important part: instead of focusing solely on what you want, convey what you want to give this new person. What’s in it for her if she dates you? Stimulating intellectual conversation? Sensual, consensual pleasure? Maybe you’ll cook for her, or you don’t mind driving after dark? In other words, let her get a sense of what it would be like to date you — and let your personality shine through. Include that you’re a new widower who cared for your beloved wife through her long illness. Let your love and vulnerability show, as well as your readiness to bring joy back into your life. You’ll attract women who have lost their own partners and are on the same journey. Having this in common will be bonding and a source of deep, intimate conversation.
About the Guilt: Should you feel guilty? No. As I wrote in Sex After Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality After Losing Your Beloved: Mourning can start long before death when a partner has an incurable illness. When sex ends long before death, this loss, added to the physical and emotional toll that caregiving takes, can be excruciating. After death—or sometimes before death—sex may happen quickly for the surviving partner. The caregiver may seem to others to be moving on too quickly, not grieving long enough or correctly. Please know that you’re not grieving wrong if you’re ready to reach out for the comfort of sex and the uplift of a new relationship. You’ve been grieving for a long time already. I hope you’ll read Sex After Grief, because it will answer many of your questions. May you find the comfort and companionship you seek.
Have a Question for Joan? Do you have a question for Joan? Read this before submitting! You must be age 60 and above. Be sure to state your age. No short questions. Include a clear and interesting backstory: what happened that led to the problem/question? Check back columns in case Joan has already addressed your topic. If so, but your question wasn’t addressed, put a new spin on the topic. This is an advice column from a sex educator, not a substitute for a doctor or therapist. If your question is right for Joan’s column, she will email you directly and select your question only if you respond to her email. After you submit your question, check your spam/junk folder in case your overzealous spam filter captures her email. Selected questions will be answered in this public column, not privately. If you want a private answer, you can book Joan for a personal consultation. Ready to submit your question? Email sexpert@seniorplanet.org.
Joan Price has been Senior Planet’s “Sex at Our Age” columnist since 2014. She is the author of four self-help books about senior sex, including her award winners: “Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud about Senior Sex” and “Sex after Grief: Navigating Your Sexuality after Losing Your Beloved.” Visit Joan’s website and blog for senior sex news, views, tips, and sex toy reviews from a senior perspective. Subscribe to Joan’s free, monthly newsletter.
