This is not something I generally write about. You know why? Because I’m generally depressed and not recovering from depression. My bipolar disorder is characterized by depression punctuated with mixed moods. And this characterization has been true for years. Years and years of attempts at getting better. Years and years of failing to get better. It’s days of suffering interspersed with nights of insomnia. It is decidedly not recommended. But the thing about all that is that I’m uniquely positioned to notice every minute detail of what recovering from depression feels like. If everything is black and grey for prolonged periods, you sure the heck notice even the tiniest semblance of light. And while we’re all different, here is what it feels like to recover from depression for me.
What Does Depression Feel Like?
In 1776, Dr. Samuel Johnson, creator of the English Dictionary, first used the term “black dog” to describe melancholy and depression, thought to suffer from major depressive disorder. Depression feels like a life-rending force you can’t escape no matter what you do. Depression varies from person to person, but the clinical definition includes (according to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition [DSM-5]):
- Depressed mood
- Loss of interest or pleasure in activities
- Significant weight loss or gain
- Insomnia or hypersomnia
- Psychomotor agitation or retardation
- Fatigue or loss of energy
- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive guilt
- Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness
- Recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal ideation, or suicide attempts
But more than all of that, depression is about always seeing and feeling the negative and an inability to see and feel the positive. It’s about every little stimulus — good or bad — making you feel worse. It’s about missed opportunities, isolation, faking wellness, psych ward stays, a lack of understanding from others, repeated medication trials, and not living up to what and who you know you are. Depression is about endless suffering. Depression feels like the destruction of your soul.
What Depression Recovery Feels Like
The first unique thing I felt was a shift in my brain. Depression recovery is a slow process, but you can notice it through tiny little glimpses of something other than suffering. The lack of suffering — not happiness — was the next thing that became apparent to me. Next, I started to feel myself genuinely smile. Alongside this, I noticed my breath. It felt like breathing was easier. I also noticed that food tasted better. It’s now that my actual emotions started to feel more positive. The Caveat in Depression Recovery. Feeling Depression Recovery. I Feel Fear with Depression Recovery.
The Fear Around Depression Recovery
When You Have Bipolar Disorder. I Feel Like My Depression Is Getting Better — I’m Going to Enjoy It. What Does Recovering from Depression Feel Like for You? Do you identify with any of what I’m saying? What does recovering from depression.
