Every so often, a friend or partner plagued by insecurity may pose the questions “Are you okay? Are you mad at me? Are you sure?” This interrogation relates to a behavior known as emotional monitoring, whether you found yourself questioning or being questioned. These inquiries could come through text, accumulating as a string of unanswered blue bubbles, or be sprinkled throughout a meal with a significant other. It might also manifest as fixating on something said, a facial expression, or body language for the rest of the night, wondering if a misstep was made.
Emotional monitoring, distinct from empathy or people-pleasing, involves analyzing the emotions of others to determine how you should react based on their feelings rather than your own, as explained by Pamela Orren, PhD, a clinical psychologist at Kaiser Permanente in Walnut Creek, California. “It’s about prioritizing the emotional experiences of others over your own.” This behavior can lead to emotional exhaustion and perpetuate a cycle of unhealthy relationships and communication obstacles. While emotional monitoring can stem from childhood, it doesn’t have to define your adult interactions as there are ways to break free from it.
Emotional monitoring fundamentally responds to past traumas by consistently evaluating and tracking the emotions of those around you, shares Tirrell De Gannes, PsyD, a licensed clinical psychologist at the Thriving Center of Psychology. This behavior often presents as insecurity or anxiety to others. It can impact romantic relationships, as well as family, friend, or work dynamics. Emotional monitoring falls under the category of hypervigilance, where your mind scans for potential threats in the environment, notes psychotherapist Israa Nasir. For individuals with a trauma history, this process can become intensified, as they assess the emotional landscape for safety cues, paving the way for a pattern of anticipating disappointment, anger, fear, shame, or approval, and molding their emotions or behaviors accordingly.
Differentiating between emotional monitoring, empathy, and people-pleasing is crucial. While people-pleasing and emotional monitoring can overlap, the latter is distinct from empathizing, a positive emotional intelligence trait. Empathizing involves noticing others’ emotions to offer support, whereas emotional monitoring hinges on using others as a form of self-soothing, explains De Gannes. Unlike empathy, emotional monitoring relinquishes control to others, influencing a person’s emotional experiences and behaviors. Maintaining emotional intelligence means managing others’ emotions without disrupting your own well-being, emphasizes Nasir.
Signs of emotional monitoring include being preoccupied with others’ thoughts and feelings before, during, and after interactions, an inability to be present, constantly seeking emotional reassurance, difficulty in self-soothing, struggling to believe positive things about oneself, and adjusting emotions or responses based on others’ perceived feelings. Prioritizing others’ emotions, preparing for potential emotional reactions, and experiencing trouble expressing oneself are also key indicators of emotional monitoring.
Understanding why one emotionally monitors a partner is fundamental to addressing this behavior. Emotional monitoring often stems from past trauma or an unstable environment that undermines faith in relationships’ security and consistency, shares De Gannes. Emotional monitoring might originate from significant trauma events or less overt occurrences that still induce distress, explains Nasir. Childhood experiences of unpredictability, contagion, and volatility in emotions taught individuals to remain vigilant to anticipate and manage others’ emotional responses, forming the basis of emotional monitoring.
Succumbing to emotional monitoring can also be triggered by abusive, emotionally neglectful, or manipulative relationships; individuals who lack emotional regulation, set appropriate boundaries, or have anxious or avoidant attachment styles; or those with anxiety seeking external validation and safety. Notably, not everyone activating this behavior is necessarily ill-intentioned, reflects Nasir. Emotional immaturity or emotional illiteracy in a partner can also play a role in sparking emotional monitoring tendencies. An insecure attachment history can further perpetuate emotional monitoring, creating an unhealthy communication cycle in relationships.
Constantly asking a partner if they’re okay often reflects emotional monitoring tendencies. Rooted in a yearning for validation and safety, this repetitive question arises in relationships with insecure attachments that lack trust and a secure foundation. Challenging one’s own emotional health in the relationship and prioritizing the partner’s emotional state over one’s own characterize this behavior. The vague nature of the question, “Are you okay?”, signifies a hesitancy to delve into the specifics of the partner’s well-being, preferring a superficial nod to concerns.
