How to Improve Your Communication Style
It’s Friday night and your partner asks you where you want to go for dinner. There’s a new Italian spot you want to check out, but you respond, “You pick,” hoping that your SO will suggest it. Instead, you end up going to their favorite restaurant, which you dislike, begrudgingly. Sound familiar? If so, you may be relying too heavily on a passive communication style to express your wants and needs. Passive communication is one of four types of communication styles, including aggressive communication, passive-aggressive communication, and assertive communication, as supported by a 2021 study on primary school children.
The least assertive of the communication styles, passive communication stems from a desire to prioritize the feelings of others over your own. Often a product of social anxiety, passive communication can look like being indirect with your desires, allowing other people to talk you out of what you want with little pushback, and being apologetic about your wants. While passive communicators may take up this communication style as a defense mechanism or to placate others in their lives, it may have the opposite effect, leaving others confused, annoyed, or even angry. Most importantly, communicating exclusively in a passive manner restricts you from fully expressing your wants and needs.
So, when it comes to building strong relationships, passive communication is pretty ineffective, but how do you stop communicating passively with others? We spoke with experts to piece together a comprehensive guide to passive communication, including its definition, causes and effects, signs you might be a passive communicator, and how to deal with a passive communication style in yourself or others.
What is passive communication?
Put simply, passive communication is a type of communication in which someone develops a pattern of withholding their opinions, needs, and values to avoid confrontation or challenging conversations. “Passive communication dances around what you really mean,” says Tara Alexander, PhD, LCSW, and CEO of Conquer Conflict. “Instead of getting to the point, a person tries to hide or soften the truth through their words, actions, or body language.”
More direct forms of communication include assertive communication, which is respectful of others’ thoughts, feelings, and boundaries, and aggressive communication, which is direct and “tramples” the others’ feelings, says Dr. Alexander. Examples of aggressive communication include tense body language—crossing your arms, rolling your eyes, etc.—and may even include shouting or physical abuse. This communication style is meant to intimidate the other person into seeing your point of view. Assertive communication, on the other hand, involves plenty of eye contact and relaxed physical movements that make the other person feel seen and understood. This type of communication aims to prioritize directness, honesty, and respect in effectively asserting your needs and desires with another person.
Finally, passive-aggressive communication combines elements of both of its namesake communication styles. “Passive-aggressive communication is the most difficult [to understand], in my professional opinion,” says Dr. Alexander. “It is communication in which people express their emotions by not doing something, therefore they can deny it.” Common examples of passive-aggressive behavior include delivering backhanded compliments, using cruel jokes or sarcasm to make others feel small, giving someone the silent treatment, indirectly refusing requests, and outright ignoring someone when they’ve asked you to do something or are trying to talk to you. This can look like “forgetting” to answer a text or walking in the opposite direction every time someone tries to approach you at a party.
What are examples of passive communication?
If you tend to place others’ needs over your own, you may have a habit of passive communication. “The passive communicator often values external harmony above internal harmony,” says therapist Dea Dean, LPC, LMFT. “They often defer to others, internalize their feelings and wants, and neglect their own desires to be heard, attuned to, or understood.” According to Dr. Alexander and Dean, some examples of what passive communication can look like include:
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Not telling someone when you’re upset
If your roommate didn’t follow through on taking out the trash, you might accept their “pushback” for why they didn’t remember—”I didn’t feel like it”—without expressing your own experiences or feelings. Your suppressed anger or frustration might cause you to be less responsive when your roommate tries to have a casual conversation with you later in the day, which may paint a picture of you as a moody person in their mind since, as far as they’re aware, you have no reason to be upset with them.
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Giving into what someone else wants to do even though it’s not something you’re interested in doing
This can look like going to the movies with your partner for the third time in a month even though you’d much rather go for a hike or have a picnic on the beach. Rather than tell your partner you want to shake up your date nights, you hold it in to avoid upsetting them or getting into an argument.
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Not taking a stand
As a passive communicator, you might respond with a vague hum when a friend dismisses your opinion, even though you really want to tell them how strongly you disagree with their point of view.
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Trying to appear small
Physically, passive communicators will take on a closed posture, with their arms closed, head down, eyes down, torso turned sideways, or legs crossed.
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Not telling the whole truth
This might look like you telling your partner you’re “happy to make dinner” when they suddenly invite their friends over. In relation, though, you were looking forward to enjoying a home-cooked meal alone with them.
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Complaining about situations but never asking for specific help
You’re lugging the latest grocery haul into your house when your roommate or partner looks up from where they’re watching their favorite TV show on the couch only to be met with a “hey.” No matter how much huffing and puffing you do, they don’t offer to help and you’re stuck unloading everything yourself. While you might think your groans of annoyance are enough for them to get the hint, you put off asking them directly to help you because you don’t want to disturb them.
What causes a person to be a passive communicator?
As mentioned, people who favor a passive communication style tend to prioritize keeping the peace with others over expressing their own feelings. “They are more comfortable managing or ignoring their own emotional dysregulation rather than risking someone else becoming upset with them,” says Dean. “It’s possible that they’ve learned to protect themselves and avoid emotional pain or conflict by pleasing others, or they were conditioned to value sacrificing [their wants and needs] for the benefit of others.” If, over time, this behavior was “rewarded” and the person was able to avoid conflict by implementing these conversational tactics, this would reinforce the passive communication style.
What are the pros and cons of passive communication?
Unlike aggressive communication, passive communication requires the person communicating to be considerate of others’ feelings, which can be incredibly helpful in trying to effectively get across one’s thoughts and opinions. The downsides to using a passive communication style, however, include failing to fully express your needs, opinions, and values, which can leave you with resentment, hurt, and frustration says Sara Kuburic, an existential psychotherapist and author of It’s on Me. “Despite someone’s efforts to understand us, we are likely to feel unseen and unheard, because no one can see or hear things we did not say,” says Kuburic of passive communication. In other words, our friends and loved ones aren’t mind readers and can’t guess what we need. So, as much as we might like for them to know what we need without verbalizing it, we’re more likely to get what we want if we’re able to communicate it to them directly. “There is a likelihood that we will construct a narrative about being a victim in a relationship because our voice is not being honored (even if we didn’t use it),” she adds.
