If you’re in a relationship with someone who has a significant trauma history, you may have experienced the challenges that can come with trying to be a safe attachment figure. Trauma begets trauma, and it’s important to offer compassion to those who have experienced it. Understanding why people with significant attachment trauma may behave in unpredictable ways can help you navigate the difficulties that may arise as you try to get close to them. They may be testing you or pushing you away, even if you are trying to show them love and support.
Attachment trauma can result in avoidant or disorganized attachment, which often stems from severe relational trauma in childhood. Caregivers who were neglectful or abusive can contribute to the development of these attachment styles. People with attachment wounds may struggle to trust others, fear intimacy, and have difficulty expressing their needs due to a lack of safety and connection in childhood. These challenges can manifest in various ways in relationships, such as trusting untrustworthy individuals, difficulty in expressing needs, and a fear of intimacy and vulnerability.
If you suspect someone you love has severe attachment wounds, you may notice certain behaviors that indicate their struggles with attachment. These can include trusting the wrong people, difficulty in expressing needs, a push-pull dynamic in relationships, emotional detachment, choosing unsuitable partners, acting out behaviors, challenges with regulating emotions, fear of abandonment, power imbalances, and struggles with boundaries. It’s important to approach these behaviors with understanding and patience, as they stem from past experiences of trauma and neglect.
Despite the challenges that come with loving someone with severe attachment wounds, it is possible to heal and cultivate a secure attachment. With professional help, a willingness to heal, and patience, individuals can work towards building healthy and secure attachments. By offering kindness, love, and support, you can help someone with attachment wounds develop a sense of safety and trust in relationships. It may not be an easy process, but it is possible with dedication and understanding.
If you are interested in learning more about how to support someone with attachment wounds, consider attending the upcoming weekend Zoom workshop on Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationships, facilitated by Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger. This workshop will provide insights and strategies for those who are committed to helping their partners heal from past trauma and develop secure attachments. Remember, everyone deserves to be loved by someone safe and trustworthy, even those who have experienced significant hurt in their past. By being a supportive and understanding presence in someone’s life, you can help them heal and grow in their relationships.
