While it may not be a widely recognized pattern, many of us have witnessed situations where one person in a couple overfunctions while the other underfunctions. But what exactly does it mean to be functioning? According to Dr. Will Meek, functioning refers to our ability to effectively manage life, make decisions, handle stress, take responsibility for our commitments, and operate independently. In a functional relationship, tasks are typically divided based on each person’s strengths and interests, even if it’s not necessarily a 50/50 split on everything.
The overfunctioning/underfunctioning dynamic can often be attributed to differences in past traumatic experiences and a lack of understanding about what a healthy relationship entails. Trauma survivors may have learned to overfunction in order to seek love and validation, while others may underfunction due to the impact of past trauma on their ability to function at their full capacity.
In many cases, the overfunctioner in a relationship takes on the role of the responsible caretaker, while the underfunctioner may struggle to fulfill their responsibilities. This can lead to imbalance and resentment over time, as the overfunctioner becomes overwhelmed and the underfunctioner resists taking on more responsibilities.
Both overfunctioning and underfunctioning can be linked to past trauma and are not necessarily intentional behaviors. Overfunctioners may feel the need to control situations due to their own anxiety, while underfunctioners may struggle with self-confidence or fear of failure. It’s important for both partners to acknowledge these patterns and work towards a more balanced and mutually supportive relationship.
If you resonate with these dynamics, consider joining our upcoming Zoom workshop on Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationships with Dr. Will Meek and Jeffrey Rediger, MD, MDiv. Registration and more information are available here.
