You did it again—you agreed to go out for drinks with your BFF and her party friends even though you were planning to spend the evening marathoning reality shows in your pajamas, and socialization was the last thing on your mind. If you’ve ever caught yourself saying “yes” to every favor or invite—small or large—and letting others take advantage of you because you’re not sure how to set healthy emotional boundaries, you may be wondering how to stop being a people-pleaser. According to Emily Nader, LPC, a licensed therapist in Texas, fear might be the cause behind your people-pleasing tendencies. “People-pleasers often struggle with self-identity and have weak boundaries, as their sense of worth is tied to external validation,” says Nader. “This results in not really knowing who you are, how to advocate for yourself, or [having] imbalanced relationships.”
In addition to uncertainty and low self-worth, fear—often fear of disapproval or fear of letting someone down—is a common driving force behind these people-pleasing behaviors. “[People-pleasers] might say ‘yes’ or agree to something because of a fear of abandonment, conflict, or disappointing someone,” says Nader. “This differs from genuine kindness, which typically does not involve feeling internal anxiety or fear,” Nader adds, supported by a 2020 study on the correlation between prosociality—exhibiting behaviors that are intended to benefit others—and well-being.
That sense of fear may have subconsciously led you to commit to inconvenient meetups, show up at parties you didn’t want to attend in the first place, or take on onerous projects at work without much thought about your needs and limits. The good news is that you can shift away from these people-pleasing behaviors and build better habits that allow you to prioritize your own needs over others’ in a healthy way. Ahead, read what steps experts suggest taking to improve your self-identity and relationships as a people-pleaser.
### How do I stop being a people-pleaser?
Once you’ve acknowledged that you have people-pleasing tendencies, it’s important to take a step back and consider what changes you can make in your social life to address any unmet needs. Here, experts share a few steps to help you understand the origins of your people-pleasing inclinations, how to stop being a people-pleaser, and explain how to set boundaries with the people you care about.
#### 1. Notice your patterns
In order to address your people-pleasing tendencies, it’s crucial to take note of when these behaviors show up and what environments or situations you’re in when you perform these behaviors, says Natalie Moore, LMFT, a licensed therapist in Los Angeles. Are there specific circumstances that trigger these actions? Specific people? “Understand the signs of people-pleasing—such as seeking approval from others, avoiding conflict, lacking boundaries—so that you know what to look out for,” Moore suggests. Once you start noticing your people-pleasing behaviors in real-time, you’ll have a better grasp on how to find alternatives for these tendencies in the future. “Give yourself permission to just notice and get curious about your own behavior,” Nader says, adding that journaling without judgment can also help you keep track of these behaviors.
#### 2. Identify the origins of your people-pleasing
As you reflect on how to stop being a people-pleaser, it’s also helpful to hone in on where your people-pleasing nature stems from, Nader adds. “People-pleasing most likely originated from childhood, as ‘parent pleasing,’ or maybe an early, significant relationship,” she suggests. According to Moore, several other early life experiences and outside factors may also influence a person’s people-pleasing tendencies. The most common influences include:
– Parental modeling: This refers to the behavior you witnessed from a parent or caregiver in early childhood.
– Traumatic experiences: Traumatic experiences, especially those that occur within a relationship, can elicit a trauma response known as “fawning,” in which a trauma survivor tries to win favor with an abuser to reduce the frequency of abuse.
– Anxious attachment style: Having an anxious attachment style means you struggle to believe people in your life care about you unless they are actively telling you so or doing something to demonstrate that love.
– Societal expectations: Women are more likely to become people-pleasers because they’re socialized to be attuned to others’ feelings.
#### 3. Practice self-compassion
As you set out to unlearn your people-pleasing tendencies, it’s essential to be gentle with yourself along the way, Nader says. “Because people-pleasers have low self-trust or sense of identity, beating ourselves up makes it ten times worse,” she explains. While negative self-talk may seem harmless in real-time, it can be detrimental long-term. “The words we use in our mind are more important than we think because it quickly becomes our identity,” says Nader. The solution to shaking this harmful self-talk habit? Try reframing your negative thoughts when they arise. For example, “‘I’m not good enough’ can look like, ‘I am still learning and it’s okay to not be perfect,” says Nader. It can also help to write down a self-affirmation (e.g., “You are enough,” or “You matter”) on a sticky note, then stick it somewhere you’ll see it every day, she says.
#### 4. Uncover your needs
People-pleasing involves prioritizing the needs of others to the point that you’re violating your own boundaries, so it’s helpful to look inward and figure out what it is that you need. This may seem counterproductive at first if you’re used to putting others’s needs before your own all of your life. A 2020 study, however, supports the idea that occasionally saying “no” protects our integrity and prevents others from exploiting us. A second 2020 study also indicates that certain levels of selfishness correlate with healthier relationships and healthier levels of self-esteem. “Aligning your actions with your core values can help you fulfill your needs and live a more authentic life.” —Maya Nehru, LMFT
“In working with people-pleasers in my practice, I’ve come to learn that most people-pleasers don’t know what their needs are,” says Maya Nehru, LMFT. “Either they’ve never learned that they’re allowed to have and voice their needs, or it’s been conditioned in them that their needs are not important or won’t get met.” Nehru suggests asking yourself questions like, “What do I need right now?” and “How is my body feeling right now?” as well as taking a broader look at your values. “Reflect on what is most important to you in life and take note of how you’re embodying (or compromising) these in your day-to-day,” says Nehru. “Aligning your actions with your core values can help you fulfill your needs and live a more authentic life.”
#### 5. Rely on self-care
Don’t overlook the importance of self-care, Nader advises. “Don’t forget to have a list of self-care items that can help you after you set a boundary to prepare for the discomfort you may feel,” she says. “This may look like journaling and reminding yourself why it was important to set this boundary, going on a walk, yoga, or dancing to your favorite music.” Be sure to take a comprehensive look at your daily routines and consider making small changes that help replenish your mental, emotional, and physical energy levels, Moore adds. “Is your diet nutritious and are you eating at regular intervals? What does your exercise routine look like? Are you getting social nourishment?” Moore says. “Do you take breaks throughout your workday and rest on weekends? Answering these questions honestly will help you see where the gaps are so you can fill your own cup first.” Ultimately, this can help ensure that you’re able to show up for others, without experiencing the burnout and resentment that often go hand-in-hand people-pleasing behaviors.
### What is the root cause of people-pleasing?
As we outlined above, people-pleasing can be caused by parental modeling, traumatic experiences, an anxious attachment style, and/or societal expectations. In other words, nurture—aka…
