*Artwork by Margaret Donohue
I am currently developing the curriculum for an upcoming weekend Zoom workshop in September that I will be co-teaching with my partner Jeff Rediger. The workshop, titled Healing Attachment Wounds In Relationship, aims to provide support for individuals who are securely attached and are navigating relationships with partners who have experienced severe attachment trauma.
In this workshop, Jeff and I are delving into the behaviors that often arise in adult relationships as a result of severe attachment trauma experienced in childhood. For those who grew up in healthy environments where attachment needs were consistently met, it can be challenging to comprehend the actions and reactions of individuals impacted by severe attachment trauma.
Individuals with severe attachment trauma often struggle with trust issues due to their experiences of trusting untrustworthy individuals in the past. This can lead to behaviors such as conflict avoidance and testing boundaries in relationships. While these behaviors are not the individual’s fault, it is their responsibility to seek treatment for these challenges, which can be complex.
One common manifestation of severe attachment trauma is conflict avoidance, which can lead to complications in relationships. Individuals who struggle with conflict avoidance may find it challenging to engage in healthy confrontation, leading to misunderstandings and unresolved issues.
A real-life example of this dynamic is illustrated in a story about my friend Lily, who found herself in a difficult situation with her partner Tessa. Lily granted Tessa permission to go on a Hawaiian vacation with her ex-wife, which triggered feelings of jealousy and insecurity. As a result, Lily agreed to something she did not truly consent to and later acted out in a destructive manner, leading to further complications in the relationship.
This story highlights the pressure to comply and the challenges of maintaining integrity in relationships. Conflict avoidance, rooted in experiences of attachment trauma, can distort one’s moral compass and hinder the ability to assert boundaries and communicate effectively.
Reflecting on my own experiences with conflict avoidance and compliance, I realized the importance of standing in my integrity, even if it means risking disappointment or conflict. True integrity involves setting boundaries, confronting injustice, and being authentic in one’s beliefs and values.
Ultimately, it is essential to address conflict avoidance and cultivate a sense of integrity in relationships to promote honesty, authenticity, and accountability. By acknowledging and confronting these patterns, individuals can work towards building healthier and more fulfilling connections with others.
