In Understanding Attachment Styles: A Key to Trauma-Informed Dating & Relating
, we discussed the importance of understanding your attachment style and being able to recognize the attachment signals of others to make dating easier. Secure attachment is considered the gold standard in the attachment world, creating a sense of unfairness for those who did not experience it. We delved into anxious/ambivalent and avoidant attachment styles, but now, we will explore the complex and challenging disorganized attachment style.
Disorganized attachment stems from a childhood marked by caregivers who are close but intrusive, attentive but in a frightening way. This style can be a confusing mix of anxious/ambivalent and avoidant attachment traits. Individuals with disorganized attachment may struggle with intimacy, fearing closeness while simultaneously craving it. If you are interested in learning more about this topic and preparing yourself for dating again, consider joining our online Zoom workshop “PREPARING THE HEART TO LOVE AGAIN” co-taught by Harvard psychiatrist Jeffrey Rediger, MD, MDIv. We will cover attachment styles, healing through Internal Family Systems (IFS), and nurturing the relationship with your own inner “parts.” Register for the workshop here.
Before we delve into the causes of disorganized attachment, let me share a personal story about my partner, Jeff, who grew up in a traumatic environment. His upbringing in a religious cult with abusive caregivers shaped his attachment style, leading to struggles with intimacy and boundaries in relationships. Individuals with disorganized attachment may display unpredictable behavior, oscillating between seeking closeness and pushing partners away due to their fear of intimacy. This attachment style often stems from severe early life experiences of abuse or neglect, where caregivers were a source of both comfort and terror.
It is important to recognize the characteristics of disorganized attachment, such as a skewed perception of safety and danger. Individuals with this attachment style may view safe, nurturing partners as threatening, due to their fear of intimacy. Therapy and self-reflection can help those with disorganized attachment heal from past trauma and learn to form healthy relationships. Partners of individuals with disorganized attachment need to provide a stable, supportive environment while being patient and understanding of their struggles with boundaries and trust.
In relationships where one or both partners have disorganized attachment, chaos and a lack of safety may prevail. Awareness, therapy, and patience are crucial in navigating the challenges posed by disorganized attachment. Ideally, partnering with someone who has a more secure attachment style can provide stability and support in overcoming the hurdles of dating with disorganized attachment. Remember, everyone deserves love, and healing from disorganized attachment is possible with the right approach and support.
