Whether you’re on NarcTok or not, you’ve probably heard of narcissism before. It seems that more and more people are realizing they’ve dealt with a narcissist, especially (but not exclusively) in romantic relationships. They’ve noticed certain signs of narcissistic abuse, such as feeling undermined, unsure, and manipulated with a cycle of idealization and devaluation. While these feelings don’t always point to narcissistic abuse, they can be common indicators—and are just straight-up sh*tty. Dealing with a narcissist, someone with narcissistic personality disorder, or even someone with narcissistic tendencies can be difficult, to put it lightly. That goes for any kind of relationship, too, including one with a narcissistic parent, friend, or coworker, for example. “Being in a relationship with a narcissist, or someone on the narcissism spectrum, can be tricky, exhausting, and painful,” says Janet Bayraman, LCSW, a licensed trauma therapist based in Los Angeles. “It’s harmful being in a relationship with a narcissist as the narcissist will do anything to have you question yourself.” And that can lead to a plethora of negative effects on your mental health. High levels of anxiety, depression, low self-esteem, complex PTSD, isolation, and feeling helpless are examples listed by Natalie Jambazian, LMFT, a Los Angeles-based therapist specializing in narcissistic abuse recovery and the author of Detoxing from A Narcissist. In the midst of so much confusion and pain, how can you take control away from a narcissist?
Related Stories
What are the signs of a narcissist?
Identifying a narcissist is the first step to getting control back. Some common behaviors of narcissism, according to Jambazian, include:
- A lack of empathy
- Manipulative, calculated behavior, such as gaslighting, guilt-tripping, shifting blame, and playing the victim
- Entitlement or believing they deserve special treatment and are above the law
- Disrespecting boundaries and criticizing people for setting them
- Needing the “3 As”—attention, admiration, and adoration—from everyone
- Refusing to take responsibility and/or an inability to see themselves at fault
- Pathological lying
- Unpredictable moods, in which they’re kind to you one day and give you the silent treatment the next
Bayraman adds that a narcissist will use forms of manipulation and control—such as blackmail—to serve their own needs and desires. Isolation is another form of manipulation, which she says “can make it harder for the victim to recognize the abuse and seek help.” Yes, abuse is often a piece of the puzzle when it comes to narcissism. “Remaining in a relationship with a narcissist will result in abuse, often of many sorts,” says Eamonn McKay, LMFT, an Octave therapist who specializes in narcissistic abuse recovery and trauma. Not everyone who shows those signs has a full-blown case of narcissistic personality disorder, however. That diagnosis requires five of the following nine criteria to be present:
- A grandiose sense of self-importance
- A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love
- A belief that they’re special and unique and can be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions
- A need for excessive admiration
- A sense of entitlement
- Interpersonally exploitative behavior
- A lack of empathy
- Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of them
- A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes
It’s important to note that these signs may not appear in the way you’d expect since there are nine types of narcissists. For example, the victim narcissist, or the vulnerable narcissist, may present as being constantly hurt. Again, not everyone with narcissistic traits has a true case of narcissism or narcissistic personality disorder. “For instance, there is a healthy narcissism necessary when we consider ourselves expert at something, a teacher or leader in some field, or if we’re giving a TED Talk, for example,” McKay says. “But this precociousness or some realized rare talent about which we might be suitably proud would not be sufficient to attract the diagnosis of narcissistic personality disorder, even if we might display certain traits of this disorder.” One sign McKay wants to clarify is gaslighting, given its buzzy nature. His favorite description is that gaslighting is “an elaborate and insidious technique of deception and psychological manipulation, usually practiced by a single deceiver, or ‘gaslighter,’ on a single victim over an extended period.”
Over time, the victim’s confidence in reality and their own truth becomes completely undermined, making them completely dependent on the gaslighter. Can someone with a narcissistic personality change? The answer isn’t too promising. “Most narcissists don’t change because they don’t see a problem in their actions; rather, they believe other people are the issue,” Jambazian says. The only time they’ll change, she continues, is if they hit rock bottom and lose everyone and everything in their lives. If and when they do seek therapy, it can be helpful—to an extent. McKay says this is true especially as they age, when certain characteristics of personality disorders tend to ease. One technique that can be beneficial is “mentalizing,” or realizing how their actions and attitudes impact others. Implementing dialectical behavior therapy (DBT)—a type of therapy that helps people accept their reality and learn to change their behaviors—is another option, McKay says. It addresses mood dysregulation, interpersonal stress, and positive interventions, such as mindfulness. “But the changes can be minor, the number of individuals for whom it can prove effective relatively small, and any treatment requires that the individual have sufficient insight to realize they have the disorder, and to be willing to work on this,” he clarifies. And research shows this is challenging at best for most people with narcissistic personality disorder. Bayraman agrees that change depends on the individual’s motivation, level of narcissism (remember, narcissism exists on a spectrum and some people have more traits than others), and amount of insight. “With introspection and reflection, individuals with narcissistic traits may become more aware of the underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities driving their behavior,” she adds. “This increased self-awareness can be a crucial first step toward change.” It’s incredibly difficult (and often futile) waiting for a narcissist to change their ways. So oftentimes the more feasible solution to improving your situation is taking your control back from a narcissist. “Change won’t happen if the individual with narcissistic traits continues to receive external validation and reinforcement for their behavior,” Bayraman says. What shuts down a narcissist?
1. Setting clear boundaries on what is and isn’t okay with you Narcissists are used to getting away with unacceptable behavior. Put them in their place by setting clear boundaries and actually enforcing them. This could look like “I will not be spoken to with that disrespectful tone and language. If you do it again, I will leave the room.” Setting boundaries can easily upset a narcissist. While their anger or displeasure at your boundaries might be uncomfortable, it’s a necessary step at breaking their control over you. “Survivors have to be ‘okay’ with having [the narcissist] becoming resentful and angry,” Jambazian says. They’ll probably still try cross those boundaries, Jambazian continues, “but the boundaries are set for you, for you to feel a sense of empowerment without the expectation [the other person] will change.” 2. Responding versus reacting Basically, “responding versus reacting” means regulating yourself before responding to a trigger in an emotionally activated way. (Easier said than done, but also worthwhile.) This might look like taking a few deep breaths before answering a provoking or insulting question, or proactively clearing your mind through journaling to help you get on a more even keel before dealing with the latest problem a narcissist dumped on your lap. “Narcissists thrive on emotional anger from you,” Jambazian explains. “They think they have ‘won’ when you are upset and outraged.” She adds that by not giving them “narcissistic supply,” aka others’ validation, compliments, and other forms of attention, you shut them down. 3. Talking and sharing as little as possible Jambazian recommends disengaging and not sharing anything, especially your vulnerabilities, achievements, and any other personal information. “Stick to superficial topics,” she says. “Start gradually distancing yourself and do not engage with them.” 4. Putting your wants and needs first To be clear, this is different from narcissism. By giving yourself some power and control, you’re taking back what’s yours. A few examples of this, Bayraman shares, include firmly setting boundaries in the face of their resistance, prioritizing self-care, and engaging in activities that bring you joy. She also encourages keeping yourself at an…
