When I was working on my New York Times bestseller Mind Over Medicine, a friend of mine wrote to me right after leaving her doctor’s office. With her permission, I published her letter in Mind Over Medicine. She wrote:
Lissa, if this doctor robs me as I leave the building, I won’t be able to confirm it was him, as I don’t think he looked at me once. From the nurse intake to the actual exam room, both practitioners faced AWAY from me, toward their computer terminals, while they asked me questions and clicked away at the keyboard. The computer fed him my new prescription, and he never even discussed it with me. If a computer program is all I need to monitor and refill prescriptions on my current or chronic conditions, then what am I doing spending an hour in a waiting room, waiting to look at some guy’s back? Oh, and don’t forget- the nurse clearly put a wrong code into the computer, because he came in prepared to give me a BREAST exam, rather than listening to my asthmatic CHEST. I was like, “What are you talking about, sir? You have the wrong information, or else the wrong room.” Sigh. I’m so mad right now. I’m never coming here ever again.
Hers was one of the tamer ones. The letters I got from those who suffered more extreme medical trauma broke my heart so much that I published A Global Apology On Behalf Of Physicians Everywhere over ten years ago. I’m finally ready to try to do something more than apologize- so I’ve gathered a rock star healing team to teach a new Zoom program Healing Medical Trauma. Learn more and register here
I’ve updated my Global Apology to reflect how I feel now, so let me share it with you here. I’d really love your feedback, so we can customize the Healing Medical Trauma class. I’ll post this to my Facebook page, so please respond there if you have anything you wish to share with me about how you’ve been hurt by the medical system- and what you feel you would need in order to begin to heal.
I’ll start with my personal apologies, most of which are aimed at people who knew me back when I was seeing 40 patients/day in a busy managed care practice. I’m so sorry to that kid I chewed out in the grocery store after I had been on call for 72 hours- the one who couldn’t get my bagel scanned for the life of him, which led me to spew, “If I did my job the way you did your job, there would be dead people everywhere.” It sucks that I demeaned that kid, and I feel awful and ashamed about it all these years later. I’m sure there were others- nurses, medical students, and my own family- who got that kind of insulting behavior from me when I was exhausted, burned out, and angry that nobody stood up for my right to care about my most basic needs, including me.
To The Patients
I apologize to any OB/GYN patient who didn’t feel like she could speak up and tell me what she was really feeling because I was crabby or rushed or too caught up in my own pain to notice hers. I’m sorry to that nurse whose advice I may have dismissed or that OR tech I yelled at when he handed me the wrong instrument because he couldn’t read my mind. I’m sorry to that acupuncturist whose medical work I didn’t understand and therefore saw as less than my medical work. I’m sorry to my medical assistant, who was doing the best she could, and I’m sorry to my now ex-husband, who I was guilty of ordering around like he was part of my staff. If I’ve ever hurt anyone because of how I practiced medicine or who I am, I’m truly, deeply sorry. Please forgive me.
And because they may be too tired, busy, or asleep to do it themselves, let me also apologize to all of you who have been traumatized by doctors or by the medical system- on behalf of physicians everywhere. If you’re a patient (as we all are), I apologize for any doctor who touched you brusquely and without asking. I’m sorry for all the times a doctor asked you a question and then cut you off before you answered or answered your questions with technical jargon that left you feeling stupid and scared, if they took the time to answer you at all. I’m sorry someone laughed when you suggested that your rash might be stress-related, and I’m sorry someone looked visibly annoyed when you did your homework and showed up to your appointment with internet printouts. I’m sorry if you felt dehumanized when you overheard your doctor call you “Room 314” or “the cancer patient in OR 7.” I’m sorry your doctor called you over the phone to tell you that your biopsy was cancerous, rather than delivering the results with a hug and loads of empathy- in person, the way it should be.
I’m sorry your doctor stormed out when you refused to take the anti-depressants he prescribed to treat your natural menopausal symptoms, and I’m sorry you had to wait two hours to be seen for a scheduled appointment, as if your doctor’s time is more valuable than yours. I’m sorry you were treated like a gallbladder or a hip bone or a liver or a vagina. I’m sorry your doctor forgot that you’re a whole person with a brain and a heart and a soul and a family. I’m sorry your doctor invalidated your intuition and assumed they knew what was best for you more than you did. I’m sorry they made fun of you for seeing the energy healer or the naturopath or the homeopath who was nicer, kinder, and more empathic than your doctor. I’m sorry if they insulted others you entrusted with your care because doctors have a tendency to think they’re at the top of the medical hierarchy- and everyone else is “less than.” I’m sorry if you were demeaned and labeled “non-compliant” when you knew in your heart and in your bones that what was being recommended was not right for you.
As long as your “no” does not impact the health of other people (as with public health measures like vaccination), your “no” should be a complete sentence. Your agency, your autonomy, and your right to say no even if it kills you is your birthright, as long as your no doesn’t kill someone else. I’m sorry if you were so hurt by doctors or the medical system that you rebelled against the medical system in ways that wound up harming your health- because you lost trust in a system that is often untrustworthy. I’m sorry if someone you love refused medical care because dying young seemed better than enduring medical trauma at the hands of people who might seem like they don’t care about your feelings one bit. I’m sorry if the medical system has been so untrustworthy and so corrupt for so long that you don’t know who to trust anymore. Your suspicions are valid. Your fears are not paranoid. You have a right to wonder whether what your doctor recommends might make you die from the third leading cause of death in the US (before Covid)- preventable medical error. (Read my thoughts co-written with my teacher Rachel Naomi Remen, MD on that statistic here.)
You deserve so much more, dear patient. You deserve to be heard, touched with gentle, loving hands, and invited to make informed, autonomous decisions about your own body. You deserve to have your innate self-healing mechanisms empowered and activated by those you trust with your whole health. You deserve to feel nurtured, cherished, and, dare I say it- LOVED by your health care team. Love, presence, tenderness, and healing touch are the most healing gifts we can offer you, and yet, we’re denying you what you need like blood, like oxygen. You have a right to be upset, and I’m so sorry if anyone has suggested that you’re wrong to feeling entitled to what you’re not getting from some of us.
You have a right to feel held in the warm arms of those…
