In my previous blog entitled “Do You Overfunction Or Underfunction In Relationships,” I discussed a common dynamic that can cause distress in relationships over time. Overfunctioners often take on responsibilities that are not theirs to take on and try to control situations that seem out of control as a way to be helpful or ease their own anxiety. On the other hand, underfunctioners may become reliant on overfunctioners to handle tasks and responsibilities, leading them to stop pulling their weight in the relationship.
My partner Jeffrey Rediger and I will delve deeper into this topic in our upcoming Zoom weekend workshop, Healing Attachment Wounds in Relationships. If you resonate with the overfunctioning/underfunctioning dynamic, I encourage you to check out our course and see how it can support your personal growth. You can learn more about the workshop and register here.
So, what does overfunctioning actually look like in action? It can involve anticipating everyone else’s needs, micromanaging your partner’s schedule, being bossy about their diet or exercise, offering unsolicited advice, nagging, or even backseat driving. While these behaviors may initially be appreciated by the underfunctioner, they can lead to burnout for the overfunctioner and frustration for the underfunctioner over time.
On the flip side, underfunctioning can manifest as waiting for specific instructions, avoiding leadership roles, struggling to keep schedules or follow through on tasks, or expecting someone else to handle complex or difficult tasks. This behavior can create feelings of inadequacy, dependency, and resentment in the relationship.
To break out of this cycle, the first step is acknowledging the pattern and its impact on the relationship. Both partners need to reflect on their behaviors and how they contribute to the dynamic. Open communication is key to addressing feelings of burden, resentment, or inadequacy that may arise. For overfunctioners, it’s important to express feelings of overwhelm, ask for support, set boundaries, and be willing to receive help. Underfunctioners should acknowledge their fears, be honest about their struggles, and work on taking more initiative in the relationship.
By taking these steps and working together to shift the dynamic, both partners can achieve a more balanced and fulfilling relationship.
